Tuesday, January 7, 2014

You are an active Mormon and you support what?!

LGBT issues have flooded our headlines and Facebook feeds lately.  We all have our opinions and convictions where they are concerned.  I have made it known that I support LGBT rights and consider myself an ally to the community.  I am also an active Mormon.  How do those two fit?  I have found over time that these don't have to be mutually exclusive titles, and that one does not have to live in a state of cognitive dissonance to accept both. 

I must start with the Mormon side of me.  I am third and fourth generation Mormon, coming from a long line of European ancestors who joined the church abroad and came to Utah to be with the saints.  For those who grew up this deeply in Mormonism, you will understand when I say that it is not just a religion.  It is in our DNA.  We eat, sleep, think, and live the church.  Some may not like that idea, but it is no different from many other religious traditions through the generations in our world.  I love the values of family, faith, service, honesty, humility, and love through the gospel of Jesus Christ taught in the church among many others.  I was taught that I was a daughter of God, a special spirit with much to offer.  To describe who I am is impossible without Mormonism being at the center.  I love being able to move to a new place and instantly have an extended family of ward members there to welcome and make me one of their own.  I served a mission in Finland for 18 months when I was 21.  I learned so much about service, patience, love, and understanding and it helped me gain a maturity that wouldn't have come as easily without that experience.  We often say a Mormon leaves on their mission as a boy/girl and comes back a man/woman.  It was true for me.

Now to the LGBT ally side.  When I met my husband more than 20 years ago, I was pretty much apolitical.  I did not know anything about politics, let alone be able to make a decision about where I stood on political issues.  I voted Republican in my first election in 1988 because that is what my family did, so I followed suit.  My husband Dallas on the other hand, was born in Washington D.C., and raised by a very politically active family.  His father worked on Capitol Hill for 30 years as a Democrat in administration in the House of Representatives. Dallas worked a summer in the House of Representatives' mail room and his brother spent a summer as an intern on Capitol Hill.  When the president of the United States gave his State of Union Address, Dallas' dad could often be seen sitting behind the president off to the side.  Dallas was a registered Democrat and his major in college was political science.  Yes, I was in for a political education. 

Dallas never once tried to "convert" me to being a Democrat, in fact, I think we balanced each other to the middle very well.  Anyone who knows Dallas knows his vast knowledge of politics and his uncanny memory for names, dates, and facts.  He is fair to both sides of the argument and acknowledges good points on each side.  I remember we just could not decide who to vote for in the 2000 presidential election. I loved the fact that many high profile Mormons and Mormon leaders were Democrats and that being Mormon and liberal were not mutually exclusive things.  One thing I also liked as a moderate was that the church always had a statement read in church meetings prior to major elections stating that the church took no stand politically and left those decisions up to members.  That was until elections dealing with the legality of same sex marriage.  I was blown away when, in a meeting in the mid to late 2000s, a statement was read prior to an election that had an item to be voted on regarding same sex marriage.  We were urged to vote against these types of unions and told that they were dangerous to the family and society in general.  I remember sitting there dumbfounded.  Then came Prop 8.

Proposition 8 in California was a proposition to overturn a previous ruling that banning same sex marriages was unconstitutional.  The church went all in funding and encouraging this one and received a lot of negative press as a result.  I still couldn't believe what was happening.  How could we get this involved?  It just didn't seem right.  Seeing protestors outside of LDS temples after it passed made me physically ill.  I knew that this was going to be bad for the church.  Many people did leave the church over its involvement in Prop 8.  I knew I was upset about the church's involvement, but I really hadn't formed an opinion about homosexuality in general at that time.  I was raised to believe that it was a disorder not unlike OCD or schizophrenia and that while I believed they were born that way, I thought it could be controlled like OCD or schizophrenia.  Then I began to talk to and read about people who were or close to LGBT folks and my education really began.

One person who I am close to who had had a very close relationship with a gay man related her experience to me.  He was a member of the church and was counseled by authorities high up in the church in Salt Lake City to help him overcome his same sex attraction.  The things he was counseled to do were mindboggling to me and after years of trying through means offered to him through religious counseling to no avail, he finally left the church.  I began to read or hear story after story like this.  When I heard the story of Stuart Matis, I was in tears.  These people were being told that even though we love you, everything that you are and that you have been as long as you can remember is an abomination to God.  Just don't act on it and you will be ok.  If someone told me that my attraction to men was not natural and that I would be fine as long as I didn't act on it or if I would just marry another woman, I would be crushed.  No wonder so many felt like suicide was their only option. Another startling thing I learned was that 40% of homeless youth in Utah identified themselves as LGBT. It was then that I realized that there is a serious problem here and that I needed to do more research in order to truly understand.

recent survey was conducted of 1,612 LGBT Mormons by folks associated with Utah State University and BYU.  What the results showed was that of the folks surveyed- 1.They knew they had same sex attraction at a very young age and didn't choose this.  In fact, most of the accounts of others I have heard or read stated that they would have done anything to change it. 2. It doesn't go away even with religious guidance and counseling.  In fact, the vast majority said that their attempts to manage or change their sexuality were negative or damaging to them. 3. Those who entered mixed orientation marriages had a divorce rate around 75%.  4. Those who chose to lead a celibate lifestyle reported very low quality of life ratings.  5. BUT, those who did enter legal same sex marriages reported very high quality of life ratings. 

Ok so, many are thinking now that leaders of the church have openly stated that the church, while teaching tolerance, absolutely does not condone same sex marriage or the gay lifestyle.  Well to that I say that I just look to things that have happened in the past that give me hope.  I was taught all my life and many church leaders also taught that blackness of skin was a curse for disobedience in the pre-earth life.  In fact there are scriptures in the Book of Mormon (2 Nephi 5:21, Jacob 3:8, 3 Nephi 2:15) referencing such a curse.  It was also taught by leaders that inter-racial marriages were wrong. The church has recently however released an essay about blacks and the priesthood which contains the following statement : "Today, the Church disavows the theories advanced in the past that black skin is a sign of divine disfavor or curse, or that it reflects actions in a pre-mortal life; that mixed-race marriages are a sin; or that blacks or people of any other race or ethnicity are inferior in any way to anyone else. Church leaders today unequivocally condemn all racism, past and present, in any form." The church has also changed policies and teachings by leaders about contraception and polygamy among others.  I choose to hope that as more is learned about being LGBT, that more understanding will open the door to more acceptance.  This quote regarding whether church member can be in favor of same sex marriage by Thomas S. Monson the president of the church also shows that there is room here for disagreement: "depends on what the disagreement is.  If it's an apostasy situation, that would not be appropriate.  If it's something political, there is room for opinion here and there on either side." - Deseret News Feb. 4, 2008  Many high profile members of the church in good standing are also in favor of same sex marriage.  Among them are former 49ers quarterback Steve Young and his wife, senate majority leader Harry Reid, and even Glenn Beck.

One last thing- the reason I take this stance and do so at the risk of being rejected by those who belong to the same church as me, is only out of love and compassion for a population that is hurting.  Isn't that what the gospel of Jesus Christ is all about?  I received a message from a dear LDS friend saying that I was in danger of "losing my salvation" by supporting LGBT rights.  I find it hard to believe that I will be kept out of heaven because of my support of  LGBT rights.  That is not the loving God I know.  I know that not all of my family members agree with my support of this issue either.  To that I say, family is my priority.  I am not a perfect wife, mother, daughter, person, but I do my best to live and teach my children to live in a way that will bring joy and make the world a better place.  I know many people in my family who hold views I don't agree with but that doesn't change my love for or my relationship with them.  I hope to show my children that we are all our own people and decisions to believe in a certain thing are personal.  I would never force my children to believe as I do.  I would offer them information and encourage them to seek knowledge so that they can form their own opinions.  Whatever opinions they choose, I respect that.  We are still family and we can still love one another, support one another, and have a peaceful loving existence together.  I also believe in being honest with my children in an appropriate way and at an appropriate age about my beliefs.  I would hope that they would believe that they could be honest with me as well and know that I will love them unconditionally.

If you are reading this and you're thinking- "Well what about the Bible?"- I think this is absolutely the best interpretation of homosexuality and the Bible I have ever read.  I loved everything this guy said.  Give it a look. One of my favorite parts was this:

"Morton Kelsey goes so far as to argue that homosexual orientation has nothing to do with morality, any more than left-handedness does. It is simply the way some people’s sexuality is configured. Morality enters the picture when that predisposition is enacted. If we saw it as a God-given gift to those for whom it is normal, we could get beyond the acrimony and brutality that have so often characterized the unchristian behavior of Christians toward gays. Approached from the point of view of love rather than that of law, the issue is at once transformed. Now the question is not “What is permitted?”, but, rather, “What does it mean to love my homosexual neighbor?” Approached from the point of view of faith rather than works, the question ceases to be “What constitutes a breach of divine law in the sexual realm?”, and becomes, instead, “What constitutes integrity before the God revealed in the cosmic lover, Jesus Christ?” Approached from the point of view of the Spirit rather than the letter, the question ceases to be “What does Scripture command?”, and becomes “What is the Word that the Spirit speaks to the churches now, in the light of Scripture, tradition, theology, and, yes, psychology, genetics, anthropology, and biology? We can’t continue to build ethics on the basis of bad science. In a little-remembered statement, Jesus said, “Why do you not judge for yourselves what is right?” (Luke 12:57). Such sovereign freedom strikes terror in the hearts of many Christians’; they would rather be under law and be told what is right. Yet Paul himself echoes Jesus’ sentiment when he says, “Do you not know that we are to judge angels? How much more, matters pertaining to this life!” (1 Cor. 6:3 RSV). The last thing Paul would want is for people to respond to his ethical advice as a new law engraved on tablets of stone. He is himself trying to “judge for himself what is right.” If now new evidence is in on the phenomenon of homosexuality, are we not obligated - no, free — to reevaluate the whole issue in the light of all the available data and decide what is right, under God, for ourselves? Is this not the radical freedom for obedience in which the gospel establishes us?"

New addition: 1/23/14  I just read this great blog post by another active Mormon woman explaining why she supports same sex marriage.  I liked it so much I wanted to add the link here and include my favorite part.  In its conclusion she states:
"But, concerning gays who don’t choose to live in those ways(celibate or mixed orientation marriage): When I think of what I have, and how sacred is my right to live in a way I feel is right and to pursue my idea of happiness, I feel that I cannot in good conscience tell two consenting adults (and, by the way, I think those two words alone sufficiently shut-down every sick comparison some like to make between being in a same-sex relationship and bestiality or pedophilia) that they can't have the kind of companionship and government protection my relationship enjoys.
How could I, without forcing on anyone my personal beliefs, deny any adult the opportunity to make legal commitments to another adult with whom they have found belonging, compatibility and sexual attraction: the things most of us heterosexuals spend our lives looking for, crying over, singing about and (if we find it) rejoicing in?So. In the end, I feel that it is because of and not despite my beliefs as a Mormon that I fully support gay marriage."
 


So to end on a positive and hopeful note, I humbly submit my story to you and say that my convictions come from one place - love.
Jennie
Here are a few links to fantastic entries about Mormon LGBT allies:  One beautiful ally story , positive moments from 2013 in the Mormon LGBT community , one Mormon's journey to becoming an ally  Can a Mormon support same sex marriage and get a temple recommend?  Oh my heck I love Rob Thomas!

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